Leave my orgasms the fuck alone, Bob: orgasm control, and why I hate it

Less than a month after the end of my collaborative masturbation relationship I found myself back in my default state: entirely sexually independent and often unbearably horny. Easily tamped down by the anti- depressants I’ve been on and off for the last few years, my unmedicated libido is a stupid angry animal, and while I love it I hate it too: I revolt at the idea of taming it but it demands an incredible amount of energy, particularly at certain points of my menstrual cycle. Right now, even though I’m of an age where pregnancy would be fairly unlikely even if I wanted to get knocked up and had someone happy to provide the requisite jizz, my body has not got the fucking memo. LET’S GET KNOCKED UP, it hollers wildly. YOU NEED TO GET PUMPED FULL OF CUM, it yells, for all the world sounding like an audience member at a rodeo, shouting at the cowboy to get back on the fucking horse. JUMP ON A COCK AND MAKE A FUCKING BABY, YOU STUPID HORNY SLUTTY INCUBATOR. BABIES BABIES BABIES. BAREBACK BAREBACK BAREBACK. CUM CUM CUM. YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU FUCKING PRICK, THERE’S STILL TIME. It’s like standing next to an idiot with a loudhailer indiscriminately chucking hormones like confetti: it’s funny but it’s very annoying.

At the same time, I also had this weird gyne thing where at certain points in my cycle I can’t masturbate to orgasm without a very unpleasant cramping sensation afterwards, like period pains but fleeting. As I got older that irritating problem moved from the week before my period to, I dunno, it could happen whenever. Possibly something to do with my pelvic floor, possibly something to do with a tiny cyst in the wall of my womb that I christened Boris- whatever, it really fucking hurt, and the effect was that although I was RIDIC horny, I couldn’t wank. It was very much like being put into orgasm denial by my own womb, and I hated it. Because I hate orgasm control.

Orgasm control is a serious trope in a lot of representations of D/s sex and I often find it incredibly irritating. I have not always found it so, I’ll admit- deep in the bowels of the archives of this blog you’ll find a single solitary piece of writing about my first experiment with D/s and how much I enjoyed lying around like a horny dickhead, under orders, not allowed to masturbate but scrolling through Tumblr in order to mentally edge myself into a drooling frenzy. It was fun; I have always (time spent on anti- depressants aside) been an extremely enthusiastic wanker, and the novelty of wanting to come but not being allowed to was powerful. Sometimes over the course of this particular relationship I could only come if given permission, sometimes I was ordered to edge, sometimes if I’d been a good girl I was allowed to orgasm but not often; it could be two weeks or so between orgasms, and the intervening times were yes, sometimes fun, but often just…annoying.

Sometimes I would get so horny that I disobeyed, which just felt shit: I wanted desperately to obey but after a few decades of making myself come on a pretty much daily basis I could only hold out for so long. Rubbing my clit enthusiastically right up until the point where an orgasm felt inevitable but then pulling my hand away and avoiding it was just such a massive challenge, and far too often I rubbed- pushed- for seconds too long, unable to stop myself. The long postponed orgasm was usually a flimsy disappointment despite all the build- up (and this was in fact often the case even if I was coming with permission) which was shit. Then I’d have to admit that I’d disobeyed and that felt even shitter, especially as a Baby sub when my perfectionist tendencies were even more pronounced than they are now, and my ability to forgive myself my transgressions far less developed. After a while, I just started asking myself- why am I doing this thing that makes it really likely that I’ll end up failing and feeling disobedient, when obeying my Dominant is something that is really important to me?

But looking at memes and reading erotica it sometimes feels like orgasm control- denial, edging, permission, being told when to come and how- are just a core part of sex in a D/s dynamic. So many times I have been told when to come while fucking, given the countdown, and on one level I love it. I love the idea of it: that as a sub in a power exchange my orgasms belong to my Dominant and that they get to decide when orgasms happen. And on a very few occasions the reality has been gorgeous too; on a few occasions when talking to Monster he could hear I was on the verge of climax and pressed pause until he was closer himself and we could come together, which just rendered me a desperate wriggling ball of squish. There have been times during in- person play when I’ve been at the mercy of a partner (or two) wielding a toy and not had any say over when or how many times I would come, and… when it works, it really super- works.

It’s just, that’s not usually how things pan out. I don’t often have control of my orgasms to the degree that I can even make that work: too much the time I find that orgasm control turns coming into a performance. If I’m not close enough, what am I supposed to say? ‘Sorry, that’s not going to happen quite yet’? Do I fake it? I have faked it in the past rather than say ‘sorry, that’s not going to happen quite yet’, because I’m naked and vulnerable, close to orgasm but not close enough, and at my least able to say really difficult things that feel unpleasing. It’s a shitshow of inauthenticity and pressure that is supposed to be fun but really isn’t. Let us not speak about being edged in bed with someone, rather than while playing long- distance on my own. This has happened to me twice and both times I was unable to hide the fact that I wanted to punch the person in the face. It felt the opposite of fun, it felt cruel: like handing someone a gift and then snatching it away. Because really, when it comes down to it, I love coming but I don’t always find it easy to do in company, and if you bring me close and then deny me that just feels horrible: sadistic in the worst way.

Orgasm control as it is most often presented is a hot idea that I too often find disappointing or overly challenging at best, distressing at worst. At times I feel like I’d rather be in a dynamic with someone who barely seemed to care whether I came or not, which at least has a pleasing air of ‘you’re my property, your role is to give me pleasure; your own is not a priority’ (although this actually works for me as a fun play undertone and not actually an authentic driving principle in a sexual relationship- I need my partners to give a fuck about it happening at least some of the time. I am profoundly not built for chastity, I guess is what I’m trying to say).

It just feels like there are so many other much fun- ner ways for me to show my desire to please a Dominant than ruining my orgasms, feeling pressure to come and, uh, ending up wanting to punch them in the face. So I just feel like I’m not going to do it any more. It’s going on the limits list. No denial, no edging, no countdowns. And it’s weird, because on one level that’s just a limit like any other; I have the inalienable right to state my limits, as do we all. On the other hand, like I say, orgasm control just feels like such a Given in D/s as it is often presented- it’s certainly often treated as an entry point to power exchange on a practical level, particularly when playing long- distance or online. I feel bad for saying that I don’t want to do it; saying that I want to maintain control over my orgasms feels almost like Topping From The Bottom, a thing that proper Subly Subs just don’t do. But I just don’t want to do it any more when it so regularly makes me feel sad and cross and like a failure.

Except! Okay. If you want to hold me down and force me to come repeatedly until I’m a screaming rabid mess, or prove to yourself (silently! Without letting me know!) that you can make me squirt in less than a minute, or just, you know, describe in forensic detail the process of sliding all four fingers and then a thumb into my sloppy leaking cunt and twisting your fist around until I’m weeping with pleasure… I’m okay with that. Forced orgasms in huge amounts, given as abundant gifts to a filthy, greedy little whore who can never get enough? That is a form of orgasm control, and I’m profoundly okay with that sort of thing.

Just not the rest of it. With regards to the rest of it? I’m going to have to ask you to please…just leave my orgasms the fuck alone, Bob.

2 thoughts on “Leave my orgasms the fuck alone, Bob: orgasm control, and why I hate it

  1. I love your thought pieces because they’re well written and considered. And they make me reflect – like you, I can’t help wondering whether epiphanies like this are because our bodies change as we get older OR our confidence to understand and publicly say what they need changes. And the irony of pursuing kinks in the name of personal freedom and expression against social norms only to find that kink can create its own norms that can feel just as coercive.

    1. Thank you! Yes, the ageing process is a big part of this, I used to reach orgasm so much quicker than I do now and I can either acknowledge that and grow with it or pretend it’s not the case… which feels not useful.

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