Last week was so weird and essentially rubbish in lots of ways that I haven’t even had a chance to write about the one really cheering thing that happened, which was being included on Kinkly’s top 100 Sex blogging superheroes list.
I wasn’t expecting to be included on the list: I’ve been blogging seriously for just over 8 months, and I’m the opposite of prolific- some months I’ve only written one substantial post and bulked things out with a few tit pics (they are pretty bulky, heh heh). To be honest, it would never have occurred to me to put myself forward of my own accord, but a couple of lovely people said they’d vote for me, which was followed by Sinclair Sexsmith asking me if I was nominating myself (which, as a massive fan of their work, made me feel a variety of ways- and gosh, I’ve done a good job of not burbling about that up until that point. I guess my self- restraint just ran out).
So I did, not expecting much to come of it. But then the list came out and, gosh, there I was.
Of course I only had about four minutes of unrelieved enjoyment of this achievement before I then got anxious about how to handle the fact that, uh, Kinkly have done some fairly problematic stuff lately. Did I not mention it and look like I was completely okay with it as long as I was getting exposure from their list? Pretty self- involved, yeah. Could I just enjoy the contradiction involved in wanting the acknowledgment but also feeling uncomfortable about the source? What were other people doing?
Well, not talking about it in the main. Which is fine, if a little awkward.
And then everything went completely batshit in my personal life. Since last Monday I’m having to completely refocus my energies: I’m embarking on a NEW and THRILLING therapy journey, in an attempt to become even more REVOLTINGLY SELF- ACTUALISED than I already am! (this is a joke, I am a hot mess, obviously). Which means, according to my therapist, not doing BDSM for a while.
I mean, I’m single now, so that’s okay on one level (it’s not okay, I’m extremely sad about it, obvs, and will be for a while). But what does ‘doing BDSM’ mean? Staying off the scene? Again, I’d probably do that anyway after the breakup of an intense relationship. But does it mean not blogging about BDSM? Unfollowing BDSM- adjacent Twitter accounts? Leaving Twitter?
I’m not sure. I can see myself unfollowing lots of Twitter accounts that are basically just visual representations or discussions of kink. I can definitely see it being really hard reading well- written depictions of kink and sex when I’m newly alone and wanting to avoid being catapulted into a messy pit of yearning. At the same time, I can’t imagine being without my small but vital Twitter support network, who I’m extremely fond of and who have been very kind to me over the last few days.
Without inperson kinky connections it feels really vital to have somewhere to go to vent about things- especially when the ability to talk about my last relationship openly is so curtailed by its structure.
I don’t know. Watch this space.
I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything to write about when my relationship ended. I don’t think that will be a problem. I need to work out how I write about this new stuff I’m doing therapeutically in a way that is helpful and not harmful, but I think I can do that.
I don’t want to let the blog go fallow, not at this hugely pivotal time for my personal brand (massive ironicface emoji klaxon). But I need to make sure I’m writing stuff that is useful for me and not just churning out content because I have a shiny top 100 badge that I need to capitalise on. The badge and the recognition are just a really satisfying sign that people are enjoying what I do and think it has value: they don’t commit me to anything, and they hold no obligation.
My main priority right now is to look after myself. To find somewhere safe and comfy to live (oh, I’m of no fixed abode right now, I didn’t mention that did I?), bed down, cosy up and throw myself into my therapy stuff. Not become a nun, but just turn myself in the direction of a new thing.