1. What is sexy time to you?
Is this question asking what time of day I most associate with Sexy Time? I don’t have an answer to that question. I am as much a fan of night- time nookie as I am of breakfast bangin’ and midday monkey- business. I have always believed that, as the great Sidney James once innuendo’ed, ‘any time is tiffin time!’
(This image and reference may well make zero sense to any non- British readers. To any British readers it may equally make a lot of things clear about my perhaps slightly too smutty, nudgenudgewinkwink Carry On Influenced sexuality!)
2. Who’s sexier–women or men?
Another impossible question to answer, mainly because as a bi or possibly pansexual woman these things fluctuate for me and also gender presentation is so much more complex than this. On a purely physical level I generally more often respond to those who identify as women- on a ‘walking down any given street on any given day, who turns your head?’ test I would say that generally the answer is vastly more often ‘women’. Sometimes very femme- presenting women, sometimes androgynous or masculine- of- centre women (or I guess actually if I’m walking down the street I don’t know how they identify- maybe they’re not women but non- binary and I’m assuming but don’t have a fucking clue! I am literally as cis as it’s possible to be and often feel like I don’t have a clue around this stuff- and I’m often right, but I’m always trying to learn).
Who do I end up dating/ fucking mostly? Cis men. Is that because I find cis men sexier? Nah. Is that because as someone who is still working with intense and deep- seated internalised homophobia I find the idea of even flirting with someone who isn’t a cis man a near total headfuck? You got it, buttercup!
3. How did you learn to masturbate, and how old were you when you first succeeded?
I was 15. I remember very little about it except that I had an orgasm which felt like it lasted for about five minutes. It was an astonishing, all- encompassing physical experience- a sort of homecoming. In retrospect I wonder how I knew what to do- I guess I must have read enough womens’ magazines that I knew that I had a clit and that if I rubbed it I would come. I suspect Judy Blume must have had some sort of influence too along the line. It’s a mystery!
4. Do you like taking naked photos of yourself?
Shyuh. I don’t put them up on this blog so much but I have a Dropbox and a dormant Tumblr full of pics of my resplendent bosom and miscellaneous other squishy bits.To be honest, apart from getting to grips with my pronounces exhibitionist tendencies, taking naked photos of myself has been instrumental in finally getting to grips with the idea that I was in any way physically attractive. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has issues with body image- not necessarily the bit where you share them publicly, because negotiating the Male Gaze can be a pain in the tits a lot of the time. But capturing my own image, working with angles and filters, a bit of constructive narcissism… all good healthy stuff as far as I’m concerned.
5. What is your biggest sexual fear?
Welp. This isn’t a completely brutal question, no. Fear as in limits? I will never consent to being choked or to any kind of rape play. Fear as in deep- seated psychosexual anxiety? My biggest and gnarliest and most enduring sexual fear is being told that I’m like, no good at it, and am not in fact sexually attractive even to the person who has made the choice to have sex with me, and that therefore as I am a woman in our society and my worth is predicated on my attractiveness, then that must mean I am worthless.
Bonus: To you, what does the ideal penis look like? (feel free to include artwork or photos).
To me the ideal penis is the one attached to a person I wanna bang, and it’s erect to the point of pulsing slightly. I can’t draw you a picture. I am going to think about that for the next ten minutes though. Possibly in my bunk. Yeah, that’s where I’ll be.