So! Welcome to my first sex toy review!
I’ve written here about my relationship with expensive sex toys and vibrators, so you might want to read that if you want to know why I feel pretty unqualified to write this review now it’s come to it, and why it wouldn’t even be happening if it wasn’t for the generosity of @coffeeandkink.
Putting all of that aside, What do i want to say about the Mysteryvibe Crescendo and my entry into the world of high sextech? Well, let’s start with first impressions. The packaging is gorgeous- a sturdy box with gold embossed writing. It even comes with the charging instructions on a card in a little matt envelope, and when you open the envelope it’s like you’re at the orgasm Oscars announcing that you are the winner! It also comes with a wrap- around folding pouch for discreet portability. These features made me feel as if I was levelling up my masturbation time in a big way.
The manoeuvrability of the Crescendo is a really interesting touch. There’s a real tactile pleasure to it- it’s really pleasant to play with, to bend and twist and move about in your hands. But what about the the feel of it when it’s switched on? I do have to say that one of things that Crescendo definitely has on its side is how quiet it is- I am perhaps unusually paranoid about being heard having any kind of sex, solo or partnered, but I don’t feel like I need to worry about that with this toy.
But once that’s said, things get a bit tricky. I have joked in the past that I was mainly scared to spend big cash on one of the big name wands because… what if I spent £120 on a vibrator only to find that I don’t enjoy having orgasms wrenched violently from my body in a matter of seconds? I made this joke until I bought an inexpensive but pleasingly powerful Lovehoney wand, and it turns out I actually hugely enjoy having orgasms wrenched from my body in a matter of seconds. The Crescendo is not going to wrench any orgasms out of my body any time soon: it’s a lot subtler than that.
This toy definitely made me come, and they were very pleasant orgasms. It’s just that I personally found the having of them felt like a rather rambling journey, a steady jog rather than the explosive sprint I find most appealing. To use a musical metaphor, the Crescendo orgasm was a little bit jazz; intelligent but taking a while to get where it was going and involving some tangents. Whereas I’m more of a punk rock kinda gal: I like my orgasms to take around two minutes and ideally involve some shouting. If this vibrator is Miles Davis, I’m kinda more in the market for… The Ramones?
One of the thing I was most intrigued about when looking at the Crescendo was the personalisable aspect of it. Many of the different programmes just irritated me though- some of them vibrated at a sort of buzzy pitch that made my teeth itch. And the twisty bendy thing didn’t really work for me, as much as I wanted it to. I sort of like vibrations on my clit and not so much anywhere else.
It definitely feels like a toy which has been designed and marketed towards couples, and as I’m currently single I cannot think of a way to even test the app without a second party in the room to do the controlling. There was a suggestion on the website that the mobile app was being update to work over much longer distances; however, the website was a little unclear about when this would be happening. As I do have someone in my life who has been involved in controlling my orgasms from across continents I checked out where Mysteryvibe were with this update, and a (super- friendly and efficient) Crescendo rep they said that this functionality was still on its way.
Once that update is complete then I may well have interesting things to say about having someone finagling with your climaxes from several nation states away. Until then, trying out the app functions, which to me seem have as their main appeal the element of surprise, would be a bit like playing noughts and crosses against myself.
The main issue I had with the Crescendo was with charging it. It comes with a little USB pad, and the instructions say to very carefully align the vibrator with the charging pad until it wirelessly charges and the little lights on the side of the crescendo starts flashing. It took a lot of fiddling to get the vibe resting on the pad in exactly the right position, and then after it had been charging for twenty or so minutes the lights stopped flashing. I fiddled a lot more and eventually got very aerated because I basically couldn’t tell whether the thing was fully charged or not.
It switched on, it did what i needed it to do, but then I had no way of knowing when it needed charging again and when I tried I couldn’t make it do the thing. This second go at charging it pissed me off so much I needed a wank to calm down.
It’s not the Crescendo’s fault I’m not the girl to give it the review it perhaps deserves, to review it for what it does well rather than how it falls short of my personal needs. I’m the opposite of an early adopter when it comes to sextech, so a lot of its genuinely innovative features were lost on me because I’m a) easily blinded by the science of a sex toy smarter than I am and b) essentially a single person reviewing a toy whose functionality is in many ways aimed at couples.
Nor is the Crescendo’s fault that I really don’t enjoy internal vibration and have a clitoris which responds to more punchy stimulation. I’m just a medium- sized woman who enjoys big stupid clitoral orgasms, and I feel like the Crescendo is just too subtle and clever for me. I’m not going to stuff it in the back of the cupboard though, because i feel like it has more to reveal and I don’t want to write it off. So much work and creativity has obviously gone into the Crescendo and I hate not being able to applaud that wholeheartedly… but before i play with it again I’ll first need to work out how to charge it.