I received a message in my Fetlife inbox last night which really stood out. I don’t receive a huge number of unsolicited messages and there are a few reasons for that, I think- I list myself as queer (because I am), I’m in my 40s, and I’m not massively active on Fet, using it mainly as a calendar and a reference library. Most of my writing goes on my blog, and I’m not looking to meet people to play with. So I’m not snowed under with messages and don’t tend to respond to the ones I get, unless it’s to say thankyou for a compliment on my writing.
Generally the messages I do receive are fairly inoffensive. Some are more articulate than others, but I don’t remember reading anything really scary or weird. But yesterday’s message… whooooo, doggy.
It started ‘You have fucked with my mind and got my attention: I hate you and love you’. Which- even without the immediate declaration of hatred- is a *lot*. I mean, I’ll give the man his due: it’s a conversation starter. He then went on to talk about how it upset him that he’d lost control of his feelings and that he hated me for that too. How his domination was fuelled by a release of hatred; a temporary hatred, amended by the love he felt for the woman he was dominating/ hating.
He wrote ‘I hate you’ four times in that first message. When I responded to say that telling someone you hated them in your introductory message was an extremely sub- optimal tactic he doubled down and stated that all dominance is intrinsically fuelled by hatred, which was healthy if balanced with love. It wasn’t long before I noped out and blocked him, but in my final message I said that I believed that hatred was never healthy, that the truly healthy thing would be to try not hating, and that his message was fucking scary. Because it was. It was quietly violent in a truly threatening way.
This guy says in his profile he avoids the BDSM scene, and that’s no surprise- it’s more difficult to keep that kind of simmering dysfunction under wraps in a crowd (not impossible as we all know, just more difficult). But the scary thing was that this guy wasn’t even trying to keep his misogyny under wraps. He didn’t pretend it was a non- consensual booboo and that he was roleplaying misogyny. He didn’t apologise for getting carried away with the heady rush of it all. He obviously believed that being honest about his misogyny was some sort of fascinating USP.
And the scariest thing about his message is that sometimes I feel like I genuinely don’t know how true his theory about Dominance is. I know that I have Dominant friends who I know and trust and love because I feel their genuine respect for me as an equal. I know that for them, and for many others on the scene, Dominance and submission are treated as a way of exploring power differentials that are explicitly based in a shared understanding of equality.
I also know that there are many, many men out there who hate women. Whether they identify as Dominant or are just vanilla, these men treat women as channel for their hatred. They want women and they want to fuck them and they simultaneously hate women and hate how much they want to fuck them. They hate the world that says they’re a failure for not being able to convince women to fuck them, and when women don’t want to fuck them they just hate the women harder. They think if they can cum all their anger and hatred into a woman she will cleanse them and they can live free of it for a moment or two until it starts to bubble up and fester again.
And the so- called Dominant ones hang out where they think they’re most likely to find women who love being hated and they spout this shit thinking it’s Dominance, when it’s nothing like. It’s just more frightening entitled Incel nonsense. These men aren’t Dominants- they’re Domcels. They’re the same pewling little manchildren, but they’ve misappropriated a worldview and a vocabulary and think that misappropriation gives them free rein to express their hatred and disdain and distrust of women quite openly, *because that’s what Doms do*.
When I get messages like that one I am reminded that my cosy little online and RL circles of Feminist kinksters are very far from being the norm. I am frightened that they walk amongst us, these angry Domcel men, ever more furious because they can’t even convince a self- described submissive slut to fuck them, for Christ’s sake.
They can’t convince me, no. I am not a receptacle into which men who fundamentally misunderstand Dominance and submission can cum all their anger and hatred. I am not a doll they can touch to show where the bad world hurt them. My cunt does not heal dysfunction or absorb Male Pain. Quite simply, I do not fuck men who hate me.