So I just renewed my annual subscription to WordPress with a slightly heavy heart, because it’s been so long since I updated- August, in fact. Partly this is due to the fact that I ended my relationship; I’ve naturally had less to write about (but not nothing), but I also haven’t had a Dom prodding me to update.
It’s difficult to write about that relationship now. I hope and suspect it will get easier with time. It was in many ways one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced, and in just as many ways one of the most painful and difficult. Perhaps more ways, or I wouldn’t have ended it. I was not my best self through much of it, and it’s painful to acknowledge that.
But one of the things I loved most about him was how much he encouraged and supported my writing from the start. The first thing I ever wrote about us as a couple starts with the words ‘You could write about what we get up to’, straight from his mouth. And I did: I wrote stuff I am proud of, about which a small group of people have said very kind and complimentary things. He was proud of that writing too.
I loved taking what we built between us and making worlds out of it. I loved sharing what we had with others- it made it more our own, in a way. Solidified it, made it more real, more unarguable… for a time.
Sometimes it can be hard when you break up with someone to remember why you loved each other in the first place, what on Earth made you think you were right for each other, and that’s generally an excruciating place to be. I’ve never been able to hang out in that place for too long, because I have written about the times when we were at our best, when our bonds were strongest, and the onscreen evidence of those bonds means I can’t for very long live in the lie that they never existed. I’m grateful for that. He made me create proof of the thing that we made. It isn’t just memories, hard to grab and harder to hold. I have words, and words are the truest thing there is.
But that’s the past, and the past is a lovely place to visit but you can’t hang out there. It’s an inhospitable environment. You have to live in the now and look to the future with a bright gaze. Like I say, I’ve just paid for another year’s worth of this URL and I don’t want that money to be wasted. I need to start writing again, and looking for things to write about for this blog even if they aren’t handed to me on a plate as they were when I was in my lovely, difficult, deeply flawed D/s relationship.
I have lately been playing with people casually every now and again. It’s hard to find a way into writing about that, but I want to find it. The energy is different, but I want to explore that energy. I want to write about kink in a more general sense- about where this stuff comes from for me, what Ive learnt, to write about shame and consent and connection. The good stuff, the stuff that lies underneath the bruises and the orgasms, the engine that runs the dirty machine.
But there’s also a larger block that I want to get past. It’s also hard to conjure the courage to expose myself by writing about dangerous, intimate exposing stuff if I don’t have a Dom urging me to; the desire to please him was stronger than the need to hide the parts he wanted on show.
It’s time for me to find my inner exhibitionist- my outer exhibitionist is in the ascendant right now, running around with breasts bared and eyes shining, but deep inside there’s still as much being kept in the shadows. My therapist, a fabulous swear- y pink- haired submissive woman who has helped me stay something close to sane over the last few months, talks about how sometimes ‘our honesty hides our truth’- how the things we are open about serve to hide the things we really need to reveal.
I am increasingly undaunted by showing off parts of myself in public (;)) but I don’t talk about why I feel such a deep desire to. And that’s what I want to do with this blog from now on- not just to be honest about what I do and with whom, but look at the truth of who I am. I’m looking forward to getting on with it.